King of the Road

Hello again.

Excuse my absence, but I was recently on vacation.  Now, I know some of you would say, “But, Bill, your entire life is one big vacation.”  Of course, you’d be right.  But every now and then one needs to take a vacation from a vacation.  Even if it is only for a change of scenery, to hear a new accent, to see different kinds of people, or simply to boldly go where no man has gone before.  Preferably with a much younger, attractive woman.

The problem, however, is getting from one place to another.  The logistics involved in setting a trip – particularly one in which lengthy travel is involved – can be quite daunting.  Luckily, I have the good people at Priceline.com take care of all of my travel needs: from planning the itinerary to arranging the color of the drapes in my penthouse room.  I never have to do anything other than tell them where I want to go, and when.  And sometimes not even that.  Sometimes all I have to do is mention that I’m thinking of getting away for a bit, and they will provide me with a list of 25 destinations, dates, and traveling options.

It’s in my contract. 

Anyway, the one thing that seems to be out of the control of the professionals at Priceline.com is who else happens to be on the flight (or train, boat, etc) at the same time as I am. Which can be a problem, as I am so well known.  Aside from the imposition of having so many people wanting to get my autograph and have their photo taken with me, the real discomfort comes when sitting next to someone who is either grossly overweight, has an offensive body odor, or both.  Having to contend with an overstuffed, wheezing person, who requires a seatbelt extension in order to get the strap around their copious lard reservoir and who breaks into a sweat fastening the buckle can really take away from the entire allure of travel.

What to do?

Calling the stewardess is pointless, unless you’re asking for a drink or trying to find out which hotel she’ll be staying at so you can drop by for a bit of fun.  And there is no chance that anyone around you would be willing to trade seats.  Unless it’s the poor guy sitting in front of a screeching child. And at that point the trade doesn’t do any good.

No.  The answer is simple.  In order to ensure that the tranquility of your flight is not marred from being squeezed along the edge of your seat by someone three-times the size of a normal person is to have your people buy up all the seats around you.  Not only in your row, but in the rows immediately in front and behind you.  This has the added benefit of allowing you to switch seats based on your need – such as whether you want to look out the port or starboard windows, or if you’d like a center seat for the in-flight movie.

That is also in my Priceline.com contract.