Pineapple Dilemma

Well, hello there.

As I was having breakfast on the veranda overlooking the bay in Acapulco this afternoon, I saw this interesting email in my inbox:

    Hi, Bill.  My wife brought a pineapple home.  What do I do with it?

Now that’s an interesting question.  I’ve always been fascinated by pineapples.   I’ve been eating them from a can since I was a boy in Canada, but had never seen a real one until 1974.  I thought it was a leftover prop from my Star Trek days. After all, they look so … alien.  Almost threatening. I wouldn't be sure if you'd need to use a large peeler to remove the rind, or if it would be better to get a sharp knife and just start chopping.

Of course, there's good reason pineapples are so strange to us.  They're a foreign fruit.  They simply don't grow in North America. I mean, there are no great pineapple fields outside of Winnipeg, or endless pineapple groves in Iowa. We're used to wheat, apples, and corn.  The most bizzare fruit or vegetable we have here are grapes. So, it seems sensible to me that the best way to handle a pineapple is to ask a foreigner.  Luckily, I know George Takei, and it just feels like he would have an instinctive comfort with them.

So, my advice to you is to find yourself some Asian woman and ask her.

All my best.

No Coffee in the Morning

A reader sent in this question:

Dear Mr. Shatner,


I got in to work this morning at 7 and when I went to get some coffee there wasn't any ready. What would you do if you were me?

First off, please call me Bill.

Now I don't work in some office, but I did need to stay alert on the bridge of the Enterprise, and have had to make 5AM calls in various exotic locations, such as  Morocco or the Gold Coast of Australia. So trust me when I tell you  I know how important that cup is, and how crushing it can be when you don't have one to start the day. Even worse, when you sit there coffee-less while some PA brings a cup for someone like Adrian Zmed!

Sadly, too many people think the obvious answer is to make the coffee yourself.  Make the coffee yourself?  Are you sure you want to do that? I wouldn't.

The better option is this.  Find some lovely young woman who works in your office.  She doesn't need to be green, but she must be younger than you and very attractive.  Go up to her and strike up a conversation.  Ask her how her weekend was, and tell her that you think her hair looks stunning.  Impress her with tales of your daring, but do it in a very passive-aggressive way.  Women aren't turned-on by guys who openly brag.  You need a healthy level of self-depreciation and false modesty to make yourself seem grounded.  Tell a joke, and then mention that you would just love to talk more with her over a cup of coffee, and subtly suggest she make a pot.

Problem solved.  And after you've had your cup, you and your special young lady can slip away for a bit to go make out.

Thanks for writing, and enjoy that cup of coffee!