Sneaking Out Of Work

Hello, friends -

I read an interesting email the other day from one of my readers:

Dear Bill,

I'm planning a trip to Vegas with my buddies next week and want to take off work on Friday without using a vacation day.  But if I use a sick day my boss will get suspicious.  What can I do?

Now that's an interesting problem. It boils down to wanting to have your bottle of scotch while also enjoying is intoxicating deliciousness. Getting a free Friday is quite a trick - especially if your boss is the kind to ask for a doctor's note for any weekend-adjacent sick days.  But it's not impossible.  It just requires strategy, cunning, and the ability to carry out a plan with razor-sharp perfection. Still, one small mistake and you could be looking at some severe disciplinary action.

Are you sure you want to try this?

Well, I am here to help, so here it goes.  What you want to do is create a situation where your boss actually becomes so concerned about you that he demands you leave work on Thursday and not return for at least a week.  So you had better start now.

Begin on a Monday with with a few subtle sniffles, coughs, or winces of vague pain. Don't over do it, but be sure your boss notices.  On Tuesday, begin to be more obvious.  Sneeze loudly while he is talking to you.  Make unsolicited complaints about body aches.  Complain that there are no aspirin around to help alleviate your suffering.  By Wednesday you should add fainting or dizziness to the repertoire.  Don't be afraid to be dramatic.  When passing your boss suddenly roll your eyes back in their sockets and flail around like a drunk about to collapse.

Then, on Thursday you'll be ready for the knockout blow.  Tell your boss you need to talk to him about a project, but make a quick detour to the bathroom beforehand.  Douse your face with cold water - but don't dry off.  Keep the wetness on your face when you meet.  Then:

1. A couple of minutes into your discussion suddenly convulse your body as if you've been hit in the solar plexus with a sledge.









2.  Bug out your eyes and gape your mouth.  Clutch at your throat as if you're being strangled by some unearthly force, Make every breath a labored struggle for survival.









3. Collapse to the floor and writhe around as if the pain in your bones is like white hot fire.

 







At this point your boss will probably tell you to just go home with the understanding that you'll also be out on Friday.  If not, maybe you can beg.

Have fun.