No Coffee in the Morning

A reader sent in this question:

Dear Mr. Shatner,


I got in to work this morning at 7 and when I went to get some coffee there wasn't any ready. What would you do if you were me?

First off, please call me Bill.

Now I don't work in some office, but I did need to stay alert on the bridge of the Enterprise, and have had to make 5AM calls in various exotic locations, such as  Morocco or the Gold Coast of Australia. So trust me when I tell you  I know how important that cup is, and how crushing it can be when you don't have one to start the day. Even worse, when you sit there coffee-less while some PA brings a cup for someone like Adrian Zmed!

Sadly, too many people think the obvious answer is to make the coffee yourself.  Make the coffee yourself?  Are you sure you want to do that? I wouldn't.

The better option is this.  Find some lovely young woman who works in your office.  She doesn't need to be green, but she must be younger than you and very attractive.  Go up to her and strike up a conversation.  Ask her how her weekend was, and tell her that you think her hair looks stunning.  Impress her with tales of your daring, but do it in a very passive-aggressive way.  Women aren't turned-on by guys who openly brag.  You need a healthy level of self-depreciation and false modesty to make yourself seem grounded.  Tell a joke, and then mention that you would just love to talk more with her over a cup of coffee, and subtly suggest she make a pot.

Problem solved.  And after you've had your cup, you and your special young lady can slip away for a bit to go make out.

Thanks for writing, and enjoy that cup of coffee!