Puppy Love

Hello, friends

When I woke up at 10:45 this morning, I saw this interesting email from someone who seemed to genuinely need some help:

Hi  Bill,

My girlfriend just brought a puppy home and it is very cute.  But it is totally out of control and is chewing up everything.  I’m afraid it will soon destroy my collectible Captain Kirk action figure.  How do I get this dog to behave?

PS: I want to call him Kirk.

Are you sure you want to name him that? Think of the pressure.  Having such an iconic name sets the bar very high in terms of expectation.  But of course, I am flattered that you want to name the dog after me (some would say it was just a character I played, but in reality, I was and am James T Kirk).

Of course, there’s more to having a dog than just choosing the perfect name.  It turns out that dogs (like horses and women) have their own intelligence, communication, and social behaviors.  Like an alien race.  And although we can reach out and establish friendly relations with them, we do need to be careful whenever dealing with aliens (or dogs, or horses, or women).  Misunderstandings can quickly escalate into savage attacks on undefended remote outposts, and before you know it, you may find yourself in a one-on-one battle to the death on an uncharted desert planet.

Fortunately, I don’t have much trouble in dealing with pets (or women).  My charisma is so potent that all I have to do is smile and my charm overwhelms the animal.  Even cats respond to me. I can’t explain it.  It’s simply a gift.

So my advice is for you to treat your new puppy as if it were a young woman who has caught your interest. I know it sounds absurd, but it just might work.